Man Movie Encyclopedia: Hard To Kill

Ah, Seagal. Where would we be without our favorite pony-tailed, akido-skilled, wooden-actor? In sissy-movie hell, that’s where. He’s brought it to the man-table more than once, always bringing the same dish, and always threatening to break our neck if we don’t eat it. And eat it we do. And love it we do, too.

Here we have one of Seagal’s finer pieces, it’s first set in 1983. Seagal plays Mason Storm, a rouge cop who ‘plays by his own rules’, which is a theme that one or two of Seagal’s characters had. He starts out on the docks, surveying some bad dudes. Man, remember the docks? ALL the bad guys use to hang there, but no more. What better setting than a seedy dock? With ships that carry drugs, guns, and hookers. And plenty of water to throw the body of the right-hand-man who’s f**ked up once too many times. But anyways. Mason is doing his thing, and catches some politician up to no good with some no-good-knicks. Well, he splits, and all of a sudden they here him. So after they go, however, they don’t catch.

As always, he can’t trust anyone, because he’s a rouge cop. Well, the bad-guys find out anyways, and come to finish Mason good. Well, wouldn’t you know it, Mason just got done getting busy with his women, so he’s in his refractory period. Otherwise, he could have heard these bad guys coming 10 years ago. So that’s why he was unaware, until that is, as always….it’s too quiet. That’s how you KNOW some shit is going down, when …it’s too quiet. TADOW! They bust open the door and lay down some hot lead, killing his wife, and they assume, Mason. His kid, who looks exactly like Ben Savage, jumps out of a 10 story window like Spider-Man and lives. *shrugs* He’s Seagal’s kid alright. Anyways, thankfully before all this, Mason hid his video-camera in the wall of his kitchen, because, remember, a rouge cop trusts no one, so the evidence is safe.

Flash forward 7 years later.

Mason is laid up in an LA hospital, he’s got a rad beard, and a nurse [Andy] who’s got the hots for him [Kelly LeBrock. Who, Seagal married]. He gets instant man points because the nurse wants him to snap out of it simply because he has a large penis. No truth to the fact that Seagal insisted they put that in. Mason comes out of the coma, because he’s sick of not killing people, and knows that soon they’ll be coming for him, which they do. So, Andy helps him out of there, and they crash at her pad. He quickly gets back into ass-kicking mode, because atrophy is for sissys.

So, as it were, the crooked politician is now a Senator. This doesn’t sit well with Storm, as most things don’t. So, he hooks up with an old friend who had been taking care of his Spider-Man kid, and they get some revenge. It’s sweet carnage, and Storm is never touched. It’s as it should be, kids.

This movie comes with the highest recommendation. As it ranks high in the Man-Movie Encyclopedia, hitting almost EVERY criteria, which has yet to be done. It’s mind-less good times. It’s Seagal, baby.

Offical Man-Movie Encyclopedia Count:
1-Liners: 4
Beat-Up: 16
Killed: 12
Swear: 32
Boobs: 1
Explode: 1
Slo-Motion: 8
Car-Chase: 1
Foot-Chase: 3
Broken Bones: 4
Fight at Motel?: Yes
Guy Get Girl?: Yes
Guy Smoke?: No

1-Liners:
[Storm reflecting on what he heard the Senator say on TV, as well on the tape]
Senator: You can take that to the bank!
Storm: I’m gonna take you to the bank, Senator. The blood bank!

[Storm fires a shot between the Senator’s legs]
Storm: I missed! I never miss! They must have been smaller than I thought!

[Storm kills a crooked cop]
Storm: Now you’re a good cop

And perhaps the greatest one-liner of all time. Storm is just about to kill a dude
Storm: This is for my wife. F*** you and die!

Box Office Business:
47.5 million. That’s damn good for a guy’s second movie.

Hard to Kill is just plain awesome. Easily one of Seagal’s finest, and some believe his best. I couldn’t put up much argument for that. It’s just a great time.

4.75 head-butts out of 5

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Entry Written By: Caliber