‘Jupiter Ascending’ Review: Bees Know Royalty

Bees may know royalty according to this movie, but that doesn’t mean they know a good movie. Are you confused? Well, consider it preparation for the film. Jupiter Ascending is one of the biggest messes I’ve ever seen.

Jupiter Ascending Official Description

From the streets of Chicago to the far-flung galaxies whirling through space, “Jupiter Ascending” tells the story of Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis), who was born under a night sky, with signs predicting she was destined for great things. Now grown, Jupiter dreams of the stars but wakes up to the cold reality of a job cleaning other people’s houses and an endless run of bad breaks. Only when Caine (Channing Tatum), a genetically engineered ex-military hunter, arrives on Earth to track her down does Jupiter begin to glimpse the fate that has been waiting for her all along-her genetic signature marks her as next in line for an extraordinary inheritance that could alter the balance of the cosmos.

The only positive thing I can really say is that the film is visually quite stunning. The costumes are beautiful, the makeup is impressive and of course Channing Tatum, while he doesn’t look his best here, is still pretty easy on the eyes.

The acting here is horrible. I expected more from everyone involved, that being said I really don’t know what more they could have done film, perhaps taking inspiration from M. Night Shyamalan’s amazing downward spiral of films since the early 2000’s. The two of them are capable of much better things, so why this seemed like a good idea to them is beyond me.

The film is far from original, they took concepts from at least 10 other sci-fi movies and just tired to mesh them all into one film. A dash of The Fifth Element, a hint of Dune and a whole lot of Battlefield Earth is just the foundation for 2 hours that will feel more like torture than actually watching a movie. It brings me back around to the question of why decent actors do bad films. Is someone blackmailing them? Is it really all about the money? I mean Mila Kunis has a pretty high net worth and is with the highest paid actor in television, Ashton Kutcher. So is money really an issue? It’s not like she’d starve if she didn’t do the film. Same goes for Channing Tatum… and what about Sean Bean?! He’s so much better than this movie. Why would he attach himself to such a horrible genre film – when he’s beloved for being a part of one of the best genre TV shows of all time. These questions will continue to baffle me. One day, I’d love to have a candid, off-the-camera conversation with them where I could ask and satisfy my own curiosity.

Jupiter Ascending Trailer

If you’re still wondering about the bee thing – yes, bees can apparently detect royalty. So if you’ve made it this far in your life without being stung, perhaps you have a planet to inherent. For the rest of us, let’s just forget this film was made.

All in all, it’s one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. The high concept themes of the film paired with no acknowledge of actual laws of astrophysics makes for one mess of a film that is far more a visual spectacle than anything of substance.

Grade: F