Man Movie Encyclopedia Presents: The Top 5 Manliest Deaths
Oh, death. It’s a many splendored thing, don’t you think? When it comes to movies, there are fewer things that are as big a pay-off than a death. Hell, I’d go as far to say that a death is usually THEE pay-off. Nothing better than seeing that smug villain get the final death-touch as Arnold hurls a pipe through his gut and spits a witty one-liner. Or that awesome shot of someone taking an axe to the head as they run in Wrong Turn 2.
Yes, there have been many a fantastic death, and I’m here to celebrate what I believe are the Top 5, of all time. So, let’s have a go, shall we?
5 – The Joker’s freefall – Batman 
I can’t see how anyone would ever dismiss this film, first off all. It was perfect. Completely perfect. I don’t care where Batman learned his s**t, or where he got his gear. He’s f***ing Batman, ok? He’s rich and can just afford all this s**t. I don’t need Christian Bale’s crappy acting and Batman Begins‘ horrible screenplay to explain it to me. Anyways. Jack was the perfect Joker, he’s actually listed somewhere between 40-50 in AFI’s top 50 list of the greatest villains, and rightfully so. He was mean, sadistic, and flat out crazy. You were scared of this motherf***er, but at the same time loved him. C’mon, that big ass gun he’s packing? Brilliant. “You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses, would ya?” Brilliant. “Bob, gun” BANG! Brilliant. Then come the end, his hope, and his very self dangle at the edge of a rope-ladder, and he falls a good amount of feet before smashing into the pavement. Then at the last moment, we think, perhaps, is he still alive? As he sits there, smirk on his face and we hear that kick-ass laugh coming from the box inside his jacket. There will still be days when I’m just sitting and I’ll hear that laugh. It’s f***ing timeless I say! Timeless!
4 – Alex J. Murphy’s bullet lunch – Robocop
I’ve often had many discussions with my friends about how ahead of it’s time, violence wise, Robocop truly is. I’m serious. If you haven’t seen this movie in a while, go back. It’s f***ing grisley. This was back when everyone wasn’t a pussy, and it could score an R rating. When by today’s standards they’d have to cut a lot out. I guess it was suppose to get an X rating, because it was even MORE violent then the version we see, but they had to cut some s**t out. This footage exists on DVD, I hear. Anyways, since a child, and to this day, there probably isn’t another scene in a movie that I really, really get that feeling from. That feeling of “Well, that’s the very last situation I’d ever want to be in” kinda thing. Sure, movies like Hostel, House of 1000 Corpses and such give me that feeling, but Robocop was so f***ing real! Murphy catches the guys at one of their hideouts, shoots one of’em, and tells the other “Dead or alive, you’re coming with me”. Then it all goes down hill for him after that. The rest of the gang shows up, knocks Murphy down, they blow off his hand, then blow off his arm, then about 6 motherf***ers empty their shotguns and such on him at pointblank range. Thanks to his body armor, he doesn’t die. He just stands there, blind with pain, until Clarence shoots him in the dome. F**k, that would suck so bad. Oh well, at least he gets to be a bad-ass RoboCop.
3 – Trey’s sandwich action – Freddy Vs. Jason
There are very, very few movies I was more excited for than Jason vs. Freddy. That s**t dropped in late August of 2003, and I was at the movies for the first showing, by myself, out of my mind with excitement. And I knew after the first death scene, that the movie was going to live up to my hopes. And that first death scene is right here. Our boy Trey just got done having sex, and he’s relaxing after wards with a cold beer, right on man. Well, Jason doesn’t seem too pleased with all of this. Sex. Drinking. Eating salsa that’s made in New York City [NEW YORK CITY?!]. And decides that Trey needs to die. But the same ol, same ol just won’t f***ing do. Nope. So, as Trey lays on his stomach, Jason proceeds to stab Trey through the back, and all the way through the bed with his machete a whole bunch of times, and then, THEN, that isn’t enough. He grabs the f***ing bed from one end to the other, and folds the thing in half! Holy shit! Trey gets f***ing wrecked on in the middle of all this. Everybody in the theater clapped when this bad-assedness went down. So cool.
2 – Twosome turned into threesome – Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday
There’s a great thing, and a crappy thing about all of this. The great thing, is that what I’m about to tell you does in fact exist, the crappy thing is you may never see it. When I was but a young lad at the age of 10, I got a call from my best friend at the time, it went a little something like this;
Friend: Dude, Austen, I just talked my parents into renting me Jason Goes To Hell! The final Friday the 13th we’ve been reading about!
I’m serious, that’s how it went. I literally blew the f**k up when I heard that. Since I was like, 8, no…younger. Since I was the age of 6 or so I’d been a fan of Jason. I know, it’s a bit weird, but I’m a weird guy. My parents would never let me rent the movies, I could just watch’em on TV. Because they were very edited. Well, I’d read about the final one in movie magazines for years, and when it finally came out I knew I wouldn’t get to see it for a long time. Which upset me greatly. But my friend had very lax parents, you know, the kind that don’t pay attention to what their kids are doing and at the time seem cool but as you get older you realize they’re just jack-offs? Yeah, those. Well, they let him rent it and boy howdy I’d never been happier. So anyways, I don’t mean to slightly digress, I just had to express my build up to this. So I’m watching it on a nice Sunday afternoon, and because these movies are kick ass there’s a bad-assed sex scene, boobs galore and such, I was in heaven. Well, in the movie, two people are having sex inside the tent, and on the outside their friend is sleeping in a sleeping bag. Well, our main man with the master plan Jason creeps up, grabs the bitch in the sleeping bag and proceeds to smash her face into a tree over, and over. It was awesome. Then, theeeen, he grabs this long metal thingy that has notches, and two fin like blades on the end, I’ve seen’em used on fences before…anyhoo. These two people in the tent are having a rightful go at it, when all of a sudden, we get a view of the guy’s face [he’s on the bottom, the girl on top] and BAM! All of a sudden it’s covered with a spray of blood as the metal object rams through the girls stomach, and then BAM! Jason lifts upwards ripping the girl into two, which we get a very, very good shot of. So, so kick ass. The most wicked death scene I’ve ever seen. I remember being very taken back, as at that age I hadn’t seen anything like that. It was awesome. That’s the first part, the awesome part, now the sh***y part.
So, as I got older, around the age of 16 I had a bunch of money and found myself at Suncoast, I bought some Friday The 13th movies, one of them being Jason Goes To Hell, because I recalled the bad-ass death scene and ran home to view my gems. Well, when I got home and popped in Jason Goes To Hell, I found myself devastated. THEY CUT IT OUT! It was gone! It’s still gone! I can’t f***ing believe it! The most bad-assed looking death scene was cut out…..God knows why. A bunch of pussys at the MPAA probably had something to do with it. Who the f**k works for the MPAA anyways? Who decides they want a job ruining people’s good time? Jackasses. Anyhoo, unless this scene exists on DVD, you’ll probably never see it. But trust me, it rules.
*UPDATE*: Oh, you better believe it kiddies. This scene is in tact on the DVD edition of Jason Goes To Hell. All is well.
Drum roll please…and the number one death scene of all time iiiiiiiisssss;
1 – Everybody dies, I mean EVERYBODY – The Punisher 
I know, I know, it may seemed biased because I love The Punisher more than life, but hear me out.
Frank Castle just retired, he was going to move to England and be head of the London desk, a nice cushy job where he didn’t have to be away from his family. As it stands now, he works undercover jobs and is away for copious amounts of time, this upsetting both him, and the fam. So, after a slightly botched job in which the son of a large crime boss is killed, Frank heads to a family reunion in Costa Rica. Welp, the crime boss [Howard Saint] blames Castle for all this and sends his thugs to take him out. At which point in time his bitch of a wife says “his family, his whole family”. Even my boy Howard seems a bit taken back, but tells’em to do as they say. So, here we are, enjoying a nice family reunion. Frank is back, he’s a devoted family man now and couldn’t be happier. Then the shit goes down, the big shit. About 8 thugs dressed in black with heavy weapons storm the party and f***ing mow everyone down, EVERYONE. There’s like, 30 or 40 people here and they all go down in a hail of bullets. Kids, old folks, you name it. Franks wife and son escape, only to be chased down and run over. Frank chases them and in the process his dad is stabbed in the back saving Frank, and he runs upon the scene of his now road-kill wife and son. There have been countless movies where people want to extract revenge for a death, it’s a tired plot. But never has it been this massive. His entire family line is whipped out, he has nobody left on this earth. It’s massive. The first 15 times I saw The Punisher I cried every time he ran after the bad guys only to find his wife and son, very dead. I don’t cry often, if never, but boy howdy that scene can do it to me every time. Very emotional, very well played out, and just basically the f’n s**t.
There we have it kids. The uber of the uberest. Keep it crunk, as always, and meet me back here next week. Where I’ll provide you with more manly proverbs to keep that hair on your chest and back. That goes for you ladies too. Don’t think I exclude!
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