The Worst Films of 2018: We Watched These Films So You Don’t Have To

Fifty Shades

FanBolt’s Mike McKinney saw 235 movies in 2018, and while he loved films like Roma and The Favourite, there were more than a handful of films that you couldn’t pay him to see again. Take a look at the top 10 worst films of 2018 that Mike watched so you don’t have to.

The Worst Films of 2018

10. Show Dogs  (2018)  PG

Max (voiced by Ludacris), a police dog used to being on his own, is partnered with an FBI agent (Will Arnett) to go undercover and track down an animal smuggler at a prestigious dog show. One of the dogs in this film says, “They don’t make films about talking dogs anymore, and there is a reason.  Talking dog movies are horrible.” I think the only time I laughed was when Will Arnett made a joke about the Lego Batman movie. The plot makes no sense, is highly predictable and feels much longer than its ninety-two minutes.  Only very young children will enjoy this film, and adults will probably take a nap.

9. Fifty Shades Freed (2018) R

Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) and Christian (Jamie Doman) are married, but their marriage is threatened by Jake Hyde (Eric Johnson). For a movie that has a ton of sex scenes, this is one unsexy film. With a plot that makes very little sense, the film moves from one sex scene to another; sometimes there is almost no space between them. The dialogue is laughable. Early on Anastasia says, “Boobs in Boobland” to give you an idea of the sparkling wit this film displays. The two leads have absolutely no chemistry on screen, and the sex scenes feel like two actors doing a sex scene instead of two passionate people in love. You can almost hear the director off camera giving them cues on what they should do to each other next. If you took out all the sex in this movie, you would have a beautiful travelogue about some very rich tourist spots, but it would still be a very dull movie.

8. TAG (2018)  R

A group of former classmates get together every year and play the kids game, Tag. One of the members (Jeremy Renner), who has never been tagged, announces he is quitting the game after this year.  I have severe problems with this film. It wants to be a raunchy comedy, but it also wants to be a serious picture about friendship, and it fails on both counts.  The film makes jokes about miscarriages and cancer. I did enjoy the performances of Isla Fisher, who plays the wife of Ed Helms and takes the game too seriously, and Hannibal Buress, who plays one of the gamers who sees a conspiracy theory in everything.   Both actors bring some energy and fun to the film. Unfortunately, both Jon Hamm and Ed Helms bring very little to the picture and take the air out of it in their main scenes. The film never finds its footing and just doesn’t deliver enough laughs to overlook the horrible writing.

7. Suspiria (2018) R

A promising young dancer, Susie (Dakota Johnson) joins a world-renowned dance company. Susie soon learns that mysterious things are happening at the company and dancers have gone missing. This is a bizarre, weird, sometimes violent film that has plenty of nudity and a couple of extremely violent scenes, one early on in the movie that is really hard to watch. There is quite a bit of modern dancing in this film, much more than in the original 1977 Suspiria. The film feels every bit of its 2 hours and twenty-minute length. This is very different than director Luca Guadagnino’s 2017 film Call Me By Your Name. There is a subplot about a highjacked plane that I don’t have any clue why it’s in the film. The director tries to get too cute with strange camera angles, slow-motion scenes that don’t work and an ending that is very creepy. This is a horror movie that just isn’t scary. I did not enjoy this film, and I plan on never seeing it again.

6. Johnny English Strikes Again (2018)  PG

After a cyber attack exposes all of the undercover agents in Britain, Johnny English (Rowan Atkinson) comes out of retirement to find the hackers and bring them down. I have never been a big Rowan Atkinson fan because he mugs for the camera too much. This is a one-note film, as Johnny messes things up repeatedly due to him being incredibly stupid. I think that is the biggest problem with this film because you never believe that Johnny could ever be a Jame Bond-like secret agent. I laughed a couple of times, but for the most part, the jokes and stunts fell flat.

5. The Basement (2018)  R

A deranged serial killer known as ‘The Gemini,’ (Jackson Davis) tortures and slays his victims in the basement of his home. The Gemini selects his next victims the musician Craig Owen (Cayleb Long) and a long night of role-playing is in store for Craig, a night that could end with his death, I did not like this film. It’s not scary but one long act of torture porn. The film mostly takes place in the Gemini’s basement as he appears as a number of characters, all bent on making Craig suffer through the worst night of his life. The dialogue made it feel like this was a production of a small neighborhood play production. The film is hard to watch, I would have walked out if I wasn’t reviewing the film.

4. The Meg  (2018) PG-13

Jonas (Jason Statham) must protect his ex-wife and fellow workers from a 70-foot shark while in a sunken submersible. I wish I could say that this was at least a fun movie to watch, but it really isn’t. The biggest problem with this film is Jason Statham, who continually mugs for the camera, letting us know that he, the actor knows this is a stupid movie. The film is made for the Chinese audience. The lead actress is Chinese, the film takes place off the coast of China, about a fourth of the dialogue is in Mandarin, and even the controls of the subs are written in both English and Mandarin. The special effects are dull, and at times the giant shark seems like almost a cartoon character. The movie feels as long as it’s nearly 2 hours long and takes forever to get started. A fellow critic almost walked out of the film because it was so poorly done. That says a lot because this critic has watched his fair share of Adam Sandler films and never felt like walking out on them.

3. Life of the Party PG-13

After her husband asks for a divorce, a middle-aged mother (Melissa McCarthy) goes back to college to complete her degree at the same school her daughter goes to. Another comedy dud from the married team of Ben Falcone and Melissa McCarthy. This tedious and unfunny film feels twice as long as its one hour and forty-five minute running time. The film’s plot is highly predictable and with plot holes the size of a keg of stale beer. McCarthy’s fish-out-of-water performance gets old very fast, and Gillian Jacobs’ performance as ‘Coma Girl’ is strange and offsetting. Rent Back to School, instead, and stay away from this mess of a film.

2. The Spy Who Dumped Me (2018) R

Audrey (Mila Kunis) and Morgan (Kate McKinnon) are best friends who become caught up in an international conspiracy when they discover one of their ex-boyfriends is a spy. This more a spy film than a comedy, in fact, there is very little comedy in this film, as I only chuckled once during the whole movie. Kunis looks uncomfortable working with McKinnon, who looks like she ab libbed a lot of her part. I like McKinnon on SNL but those are short sketches, and a little of McKinnon goes a long way, especially when she starts mugging for the screen. The plot is predictable (I came up with what would have been a great twist but the writers with the obvious choice) and the situations that the film puts the two women in are just plain stupid. There is a reason why this film wasn’t screened for critics, it is because it’s a lousy movie that feels every bit of its almost two-hour length.

1. The Happytime Murders (2018) R

In a world where humans and puppets co-exist, a puppet cast of an 80’s children’s TV show is being murdered one by one. A disgraced former policeman (Bill Barretta) and a detective (Melissa McCarthy) team up to find the killer. First off this is not for kids, there is a lot of languages, violence, and even some puppet sex. The film isn’t funny enough to make it fun to watch, it goes for the easy laughs too often, and the plot is incredibly weak. I am also getting tired of Melissa McCarthy’s one-note act in every movie she is in. The final problem with this film is that all the funny bits in the film are in the trailer.

Runners Up: Slender Man, Life Itself, Death Wish, Mile 22, Red Sparrow, A Wrinkle in Time, Rampage, Night School, Insidious: The Last Key, Pacific Rim: Uprising, Winchester

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