Director: James “The Man Until Titanic” Cameron
Where do you being with a movie like The Terminator? I mean, even the GD title is f’n burly. The Terminator. The dude who comes and wrecks your s**t without a second glance. Hell, before I watched the movie for this review I had to take testosterone injections just to be manly enough to take it.
OK, do I really need to start off by giving you the plot? I didn’t think so. So, instead let me give you the back round on Arnold. He’s a machine sent from the future to burly up the movie industry. Sure, guys like Stallone and Lundgren were going to be doing fine by the future, but it needed something more. It needed a man who’s ENTIRE career, from Pumping Iron to becoming a political figure is because he took heavy things, said “F**K YOU!” to them, and lifted’em above his head a number of times. F’ning brilliant, no? So, that’s the truth. Anyways….
The Terminator starts with a small lightning storm, and a naked buff dude appearing. He mans up to some punks who are out nerding up the joint, and demands some of their duds. Well, they think their switchblades are going to amount to a hill of beans, that is, until Termy puts a bad-assed fist through a dudes chest! Hell yes! I started doing that every time I wanted clothes. I’d walk into JC Penny and be like “Oh, the Chinos. Yes, XL will be TADOW! BITCH!” and my fist would go through the sales person’s chest as I man out of the store with my fresh new pleats. Hell yeah…..where was I? Oh, right. So, this is sort of remarkable because two of these no-name punks at the time, went on to become stars. Bill Paxton, for one, and super-friend to the Man Movie Encyclopedia Universe, Brian Thompson.
Welp, after this we find another naked dude coming outta the storm. Except, unlike all the machines who don’t feel pain, this guy FALLS outta the sky. He doesn’t come in all crouched, hell no. He does a cannonball through the time-displacement field and lands where-the-f**k-ever. It’s awesome. So, anyways. He lands, steals a bum’s gross sweats, cuz he’s that manly. He knows that sweats are the only thing burly enough to rock with him. Then runs from the cops who show up out of no where, but probably sensed an overload of manliness. He evades them, steals a shotgun, saws it off, and we’re on our way.
We meet Sarah Connor, who’s very average. Works at a diner, lives with her roommate. End of story.
The Terminator first heads to a phone booth, he removes the man who’s already on it, the guy who chased Pee Wee around the dinosaur park. Proceeds to find all the Sarah Connors in the phone book, and then heads off to the gun store. He orders a bunch of really cool guns, including an Ozi 9mm. Could you really buy something like that back then? F**king rad. He also asks for a Plasma Cannon with 40 watt range. Like any bad-ass does. Then it comes time to foot the bill. Well, any nerd would have whipped out the wallet, but Termy just blows the dude away. Hells yes.
He finds the first Connor listed, and punks her ass close range with a 45 magnum, if I’m not mistaken. Over at the work place of Sarah Connor, word of this murder spreads, and she gets a bit spooked. Oh, oh, by the way. If you notice on Sarah’s punch card, it says the 19th of May. No joke, when I did this tally count, it was the 19th of May. The burly God’s had it all lined up. Rock on.
So, back at Sarah’s place she’s been dumped for the evening, so she’s heading out. Her annoying room mate is staying back to get busy with her boyfriend. Who, I also believe is a man, because when ANYONE answers the phone he starts going off on this lewd little speech. It’s awesome. I do the same thing at work now. I don’t care I work at a daycare. The phone rings. I answer. The person then gets a bunch of stuff about my wee-wee and such. Hell yeah. So, anyways.
Sarah leaves, heads out to get pizza, and it’s there she’s heard about the 2nd killing tonight of a woman named Sarah Connor. She freaks, and leaves. Outside we see our boy Kyle, and he’s in close pursuit. Sarah is a bit tense, so she ducks into a club and calls the po-po. Then calls her room mate. However, he stupid friend can’t answer the phone because her and the boyfriend are dead as hell. The Terminator wouldn’t have done shit if the room mate would just STOP LISTENING TO HER F**KING WALK-MAN SO MUCH. So, he finds out what’s up, and it’s party time.
Things go down at the club, and Kyle explains the whole story while they evade cops and the Termy. It takes some convincing, but one look at his bum-sweats and you know he’s too legit to quit.
They end up arrested, where Kyle tries to tell his story but the nerds at the station won’t believe him. Well, the Termy shows up and pisses all over their Wheaties. Perhaps if he hadn’t been told to wait, this all wouldn’t have happened. So, he shoots the s**t out of everything that moves, and doesn’t move, as he tries in vain to look for Sarah. No such luck. Her and Kyle ducked out the back.
Kyle is thinking “mmm…I’d like to make some pipe-bombs and get it on. Better get a motel”. So, he does. They lay up there, and Kyle goes into detail about the future. Then, after a romantic session of making explosives, Kyle gives her the real stick of dynamite. It’s rad. A true man doesn’t get chicks in his own time, he time travels to get busy. They think they’re safe, but, alas…
Termy shows up, and then we get a nice little chase scene in which Kyle is just hanging out the window like he’s puking. Except, he’s throwing explosives into a busy street. Why not, right? Only a nerd doesn’t huck pipe-bombs on a freeway. A big showdown happens at an assembly plant, between the now sheer-ecto-skeleton Termy, and Kyle and Sarah. Kyle, being a true man, wonders how he’s gonna get out of this thing with Sarah, now that he’s already done the wild thing. Being the real man that he is, he blows himself the f**k up and makes it look like it was in an attempt to stop the Terminator. Sheer brilliance. After that, I’m sure you know who wins.
This movie is sheer manliness from beginning to end. It also happens to be my favorite of the series. It’s dark, brooding, and just balls-out awesome. The lead isn’t an annoying kid, Sarah Connor is a normal woman who’s reluctant, yet willing. And The Terminator is spouting crap like “I need a vacation”, or “I know now why you cry, but it is something I can never do”. Don’t get me wrong, I love T2, but it’s waaaaay too cuddly. Gimmie the original any day. It’s the down right s**t.
Official Man-Movie Encyclopedia Tally:
Car Chase: 5
Foot Chase: 4
Broken Bones: 1
Motel Fight/Shoot-Out: Yes
Guy Get Girl?: Yes
Guy Smoke?: No
[Terminator is loading shotgun with shells inside the store]
Store Owner: Hey, you can’t do that.
Terminator: Wrong [shoots owner]
[having just crushed the Terminator]
Sarah Connor: You’re terminated, f**ker
OJ Simpson was considered for the role of The Terminator, but producers felt he was “too nice”.
Arnold originally was sought for the role of Reese. However, after discussing it with Cameron, they felt he was best for The Terminator.
Writer and director James Cameron didn’t have an agent, and lived in his car while he wrote this film.
The barking dog in the front of the Tiki Motel, is actually James Cameron’s German Sheppard, Wolfie. Whom you may recognize from another Cameron movie….
6.4 Mil was the budget, and it ended up doing 38.3 million. Funny, considering that Arnold got something like 40 million to reprise his role for T3.
Official Man Movie Encyclopedia Rating:
5 out of 5 Head-Butts
Note: I don’t consider “I’ll be back” a one-liner. Because it isn’t. It’s just a phrase that for some reason became popular. Perhaps because of his method of returning.
Entry Written By: Caliber