40+ Ted Lasso Quotes to Make You Smile

There are so many memorable Ted Lasso quotes. We love them because of the writers’ great work and the charming delivery from Jason Sudeikis.

Ted Lasso is one of those shows that makes you feel good to watch. Whether Ted is coaching Roy Kent in life and on the field or imparting wisdom to his boss Rebecca Welton, we just love watching him work.

Here are some of the best Ted Lasso quotes from the awesome Apple TV show.

Best Ted Lasso Quotes

Ted Lasso’s twang and humorous play on words make the show quite fun to watch. Here are some of his best one-liners from the TV series.

“If that’s a joke, I love it. If not, can’t wait to unpack that with you later.” -Ted Lasso

“This woman is strong, confident, and powerful. Boss, I tell you, I’d hate to see you and Michelle Obama arm wrestle, but I wouldn’t be able take my eyes off of it, either.” -Ted Lasso

“It’s just a group of people who care, Roy. Not unlike folks at a hip-hop concert whose hands are not in the air.” -Ted Lasso

“I always thought tea was going to taste like hot brown water. And do you know what? I was right.” -Ted Lasso

“There’s a bunch of crazy stuff on Twitter. Heck, someone made an account for my mustache.” -Ted Lasso

“I’m not sure what y’all’s smallest unit of measurement is here, but that’s about how much headway I made.” -Ted Lasso

“Sounds to me like someone’s trapped inside life’s most complicated shape: a love triangle. Second place of course is the ‘I just walked in on my mother-in-law changing into her swimsuit’ dodecahedron.” -Ted Lasso

“I’m gonna put it the same way the US Supreme Court did back in 1964 when they defined pornography. It ain’t easy to explain, but you know it when you see it.” -Ted Lasso

“I do love a locker room. It smells like potential.” -Ted Lasso

Quotes That Make Us Smile

“I feel like we fell out of the lucky tree and hit every branch on the way down, ended up in a pool of cash and Sour Patch Kids.” -Ted Lasso

“Be honest with me. It’s a prank, right? The tea? Like when us tourist folks aren’t around, y’all know it tastes like garbage? You don’t love it. It’s pigeon sweat.” -Ted Lasso

“Well, as my doctor told me when I got addicted to fettuccine Alfredo, that’s a little rich for my blood.” -Ted Lasso

“Boy, I love meeting people’s moms. It’s like reading an instruction manual as to why they’re nuts.” -Ted Lasso

“You’re telling me I could shatter every bone in my body, someone could just drop me off in front of any old hospital, dumped into a garbage can or something, and y’all patch me up, and I don’t have to pay jack squat? I tell you; I love this country.” -Ted Lasso

“Coach Beard’s views on romantic relationships are not too dissimilar from his views on cooking steak. You know, you spend any more than five minutes on one — it loses its flavor.” -Ted Lasso

Wise Ted Lasso Sayings

While Ted generally has something funny to say, he also comes out with nuggets of wisdom. Here are some of his more thoughtful lines.

“There’s two buttons I never like to hit: that’s panic and snooze.” -Ted Lasso

“If you care about someone, and you got a little love in your heart, there ain’t nothing you can’t get through together.” -Ted Lasso

“Taking on a challenge is a lot like riding a horse, isn’t it? If you’re comfortable while you’re doing it, you’re probably doing it wrong.” -Ted Lasso

”I shouldn’t bring an umbrella to a brainstorm.” -Ted Lasso

“I believe in Communism. Rom-communism, that is. If Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan can go through some heartfelt struggles and still end up happy, then so can we.” -Ted Lasso

“What I can tell you is that with the exception of the wit and wisdom of Calvin and Hobbes, not much lasts forever.” -Ted Lasso

Ted Lasso Words of Wisdom

“It’s funny to think about the things in your life that can make you cry just knowing that they existed, can then become the same thing that make you cry knowing that they’re now gone.” -Ted Lasso

“If the Internet has taught us anything, it’s that sometimes it’s easier to speak our minds anonymously.” -Ted Lasso

“She’s got some fences, alright, but you just gotta hop over ’em.” -Ted Lasso

“Divorce is hard. It doesn’t matter if you’re the one leaving or if…you’re the one who got left. It makes folks do crazy things.” -Ted Lasso

“Like I always say, sometimes the best stew is the one you leave sitting on the stove overnight ’cause you fell asleep watching Citizen Kane after too many beers.” -Ted Lasso

“I want you to know, I value each of your opinions, even when you’re wrong.” -Ted Lasso

“I have a really tricky time hearing folks that don’t believe in themselves.” -Ted Lasso

“Doing the right thing is never the wrong thing.” -Ted Lasso

Ted Lasso Quotes About Sports

While Ted is inexperienced as a soccer coach, he’s no stranger to sports. He’s got plenty of wisdom for all athletes. Here are some of his best quotes about sports games.

“Back where I’m from, you try to end a game in a tie; well, that might as well be the first sign of the apocalypse.” -Ted Lasso

“If God would have wanted games to end in a tie, she wouldn’t have invented numbers.” -Ted Lasso

“You two knuckleheads have split our locker room in half. And when it comes to locker rooms, I like ’em just like my mother’s bathing suits. I only wanna see ’em in one piece, you hear?” -Ted Lasso

“Jamie, I think that you might be so sure that you’re one in a million, that sometimes you forget that out there, you’re just 1 of 11. And if you just figure out some way to turn that ‘me’ into ‘us’…the sky’s the limit for you.” -Ted Lasso

“For me, success is not about the wins and losses. It’s about helping these young fellas be the best versions of themselves on and off the field.” -Ted Lasso

“Your body is like day-old rice. If it ain’t warmed up properly, something real bad could happen.” -Ted Lasso

“I think one of the neatest things about being a coach is the connection you get to make with your players. That’s a loss that hits me a lot harder and is gonna stay with me a lot longer than anything that happens while playing a game on a patch of grass.” -Ted Lasso

“The idea behind every trick play is to have chaos rain down upon your opponents and stun them. Much like the lava did to those poor folks in Pompeii.” -Ted Lasso

Motivational Ted Lasso Quotes

“Look, we are not playing for a tie. Ain’t nobody here gonna kiss their sister…which is an American phrase that I’m now realizing does not exist here, and that’s good, ’cause it’s creepy, and I hate it myself; I don’t know why I said it.” -Ted Lasso

“This is a sad moment right here. For all of us. And there ain’t nothing I can say, standing in front of you right now, that can take that away. But please do me this favor, will you? Lift your heads up and look around this locker room. Yeah? Look at everybody else in here. And I want you to be grateful that you’re going through this sad moment with all these other folks. Because I promise you, there is something worse out there than being sad, and that is being alone and being sad. Ain’t nobody in this room alone. Let’s be sad now. Let’s be sad together.” -Ted Lasso

“We’re gonna call this drill ‘The Exorcist’ cause it’s all about controlling possession.” -Ted Lasso

Ted Lasso Goldfish Quote

Ted Lasso is known for the main character’s infallible charm and the soccer team he coaches. But one of his most inspirational quotes isn’t about the mechanics of soccer, but choosing to change your mindset on the game and life itself.

The Ted Lasso goldfish quote reads, “You know what the happiest animal on Earth is? It’s a goldfish. You know why? It’s got a 10-second memory. Be a goldfish.”

While it seems silly at face value, it actually holds some great wisdom for any person honing in on a skill or passion. Don’t look back at all the winnings and losses. Forget all you’ve done before. If you only focus on your past success, you’ll ride on your laurels and become complacent. If you only focus on your failures, you’ll lose your morale. Only focus on the now, and that’s how you become better than you were before.

Who knew Ted Lasso quotes could hold so much wisdom?